I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
