I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
