i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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