I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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