And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
