dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
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