Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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