We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
