you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize