I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
