I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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