Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
