Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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