he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
