I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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