Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
