if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
