i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Someone signed my nipple.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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