My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
