happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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