well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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