we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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