last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Randomize
