if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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