I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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