this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
