I'm gonna have a badass scar
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
