My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
