wrigley field is MILF paradise
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
