chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Randomize
