I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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