dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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