my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Randomize
