i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
