He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
i now understand why vodka
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
