dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
