and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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