I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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