OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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