Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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