I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
