Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
