I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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