Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Randomize
