Cold hands, warm shart.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
