My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
