I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
