You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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