I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Randomize
