so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
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