...so i touched it.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
