Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
