I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
