She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Randomize
