i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
