My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
