Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
