she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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