please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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