Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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