oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Randomize
