Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Hello my rib-scented angel!
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
